Wayne managed to depress me in the morning, when he told me he didn’t think there would be any more work for a while; I was very depressed. And it’s not just the financial aspect, I think – it’s a feeling of not being wanted, of not having my contribution appreciated. It happened with J + A, for perhaps the first time ever, that I was accepted only as the dead wood of the deal, that I had to be along because Val was the wanted person. And then the same with Doug. And now again. It pisses me off. Once upon a time when Val said little and was the mouse of the relationship, I felt that, to some extent, I carried her. She resented it then. I resent it now. Everyone loves to be loved. And wanted. And needed. And appreciated. Anyway.
My job this morning was to scrub all the wooden poolside benches. It was hard work, in that I was bent over all day, scrubbing, so that it really got to my back. There was no work for Val this morning, which gave her the chance for a lie-in, her first since we arrived here. The usual afternoon, + then work in the evening. Uneventful in the extreme, not to say a little tedious. Which is the way the cookie crumbles.
My, aren’t we down in the dumps today? All part of a general malaise, lack of self esteem, whatever. Still, we should not complain. We had somewhere to stay, some money coming in. Things could be worse.
Pamela J Blair
I think, when you’re far away from home and find you’re not wanted, it can hit harder (especially when you’re young). I remember needing to get a job in Tanzania so I’d have enough money to get home and when one would fall through, or when I had to move from one house-sitting house and was rejected by the new people because they didn’t like the person I was then involved with, I was really down, more so than I would have been if I’d been home. At least you had Val. I was all alone, with the exception of the friends I’d meet here and there along the way. As you said, it could have been worse. Looking back on my trip, I can only see the positive aspects, but if I’m really honest, there were lots of emotionally very difficult moments.