February 6th 1982

posted in: Innocents Abroad | 0
Lake Atitlan

For me, a dreadful day, the worst for a very long time.  And not really because of anything that has happened.  Just the strangulating effect of depression.  Val wants to rent a house in one of the villages round here + learn some weaving for about a week or so.  And I… well, I’m happy to go along with that idea, tho’ the native life appeals to me far less.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not being noble, or indulging a whim of Val’s out of any self-sacrifice – it is Val’s project, not mine, but I’m happy to join in, a) because we stick together, b) because I think I should experience a different way of life, c) because I want Val to go along with things that I want to do, + d) I really think I might get something out of it.  I’m not being fair – I have said that this is what I want too, tho’ I now think I may well have changed my mind.  Anyway…

I’m sure things would have been fine except things did not go well.  We caught the boat to Santiago, but it was not a very inspiring place, + we had to walk a long way in the sun with our packs, all to look at a house which wasn’t what we wanted.  It requires a lot of asking round to find a house, + today I couldn’t face asking anyone anything, so all that was left to Val.  We decided to try San Pedro, so caught a bus across there – a young lad importuning gringos persuaded us to look at another house, + this was much better, so we took it.  Val cooked a meal in the afternoon, but I’m afraid it was not a success – I could barely eat anything.  But then when I suggested eating out, because Val could only really cook in daylight, + we didn’t eat lunch anyway so we wouldn’t save any money, Val said she wouldn’t need an evening meal.  So, childishly – I haven’t been so childish for a long time – I vowed I wouldn’t eat out either.  In fact, all I wanted to do was sit + read… + I didn’t really want to do that.  In fact, we did go out later, + Val ate a huge bowl of fruit + yogurt, but I played the martyr + had nothing.  So here I am, having eaten 1 small cup of soup all day, absolutely famished, + all to punish myself… or Val… or no-one.  I’m going to bed.

Hmm… not at my most cheerful.  Pretty clear that, despite my list of reasons to go along with staying around for a week, I wasn’t very happy with it.  And one of those days with a lot of walking, and not having things go our way, did add to the slough of depression that I had allowed myself to fall into.  And another example of the tetchiness whnich seems to have affected us on a regular basis.  Neither of us remember it being like that, and I am guessing that they were worse on paper than they were in reality.

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